so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
