how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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