My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
