youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
