MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
