I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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