Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
