he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
