News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
