he shaved USA in his pubs
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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