theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I forget how to act sober
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
