Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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