She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
