I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
