found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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