smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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