i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
