Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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