my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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