so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Every concussion has its silver lining
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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