i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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