It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Randomize
