The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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