Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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