if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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