Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
