im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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