Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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