I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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