I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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