I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
