Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
