is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
