I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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