Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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