i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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