You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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