If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
