I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize