I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
