I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
