Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
