I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
