I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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