I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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