my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We need to rekindle our bromance
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
