Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
