how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
