GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
