New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
