I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
