I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
