Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
