im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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