I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
