Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
