My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
