new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
